lining check great, but now I'm confused again

I'm going to repost from the Nest rather than retyping a blog entry (because I'm lazy). :)

I had my lining check today and the good news is that my lining looked good and my transfer is scheduled for next Tuesday. The bad news is that I am now even more confused about how many to transfer and it is literally making me sick to my stomach right now. After reading the info they gave us at the start of my cycle I had decided that there was no way we were only going to transfer one embryo because the chances for success were so much better with two. But today I talked to Dr. V about it and told him that we really only want one baby but we also don't want to do this again. He said that it basically comes down to how strongly we feel about being done after this. He reminded me that I know now what it is like to have a newborn at home and that having twins would mean three under two. He said that one option we should consider is having them thaw one embryo first. If it survives the thaw then we just transfer that one. If it doesn't survive then we go ahead and have them thaw the remaining two and transfer both. If this round doesn't work then we still have two frozen and we can transfer both of those next time.

I told all this to Monte and he is now back to wanting to just transfer one. I have no idea what I want. I still feel no peace about either option and we have to decide by tomorrow. :( Monte's thinking is that if we transfer two this time and it doesn't work then there will only be one left and we will basically feel like we have no chance going into the next time. He would rather just use one now and still know there are two left. My main hang-up is that I am terrified of this failing. I don't want for it not to work. I just want to do whatever it takes to make it the most likely that this will not fail and I won't have to deal with it failling. Even if it means having two more babies I sometimes think it is worth it not to have to go through the horrible awful experience that a failed FET would be. But then at the same time I really only want one baby. My baby will still be a baby by the time this (these) baby (babies) come along. I will be at home by myself in the middle of nowhere all day every day with two hands and three babies who will need all of my attention. I cannot even imagine how that would work. Living where we do I do not have the same support system I would if we lived in town. We do have wonderful friends who will help out with whatever we ask them to, but they either don't have kids yet or do have kids of their own to take care of. So there is only so much I can ask of them. I would largely be trying to do this on my own.

I just have no idea what the right decision is. I go back and forth literally every two minutes about what we should do. I think that the best thing for everyone is to transfer one. I think that my reasons for wanting to transfer two are selfish. They are all about my fears about having to deal with a failed cycle. But those fears are very real, especially since we will find out right before Christmas. And I think it is totally unfair that anyone has to make these horrible decisions, but feeling sorry for myself is not the right way to handle the situation. I know that no one can tell us what the right decision is. I just needed to get this out because it is killing me right now.